Dynamics of Dating 1010

Let me begin with an analogy. Consider fishing. Now consider how much it resembles dating. And not only in the traditional "there are more fish in the sea" way. Allow me to explain. Number one: I don't particularly enjoy either one. Both consume a considerable amount of time, planning, and luck in order to ensure any kind of success. Number two: Fish look better in water. So do women. Number three: Fish don't really like their lips getting caught on hooks. Neither do women. Number four: I don't particularly enjoy spending much time on the process of fishing or dating, but I thoroughly enjoy the results of both. Number five: Both are cold blooded. Number six: Mermaids are hot.
I'm writing this because all the single people out there obviously need some help in this area, and fortunately for them I am here to oblige. First of all, we must remember that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are men, and there are women. One knows what he wants. The other acts as if she does. For the world to run properly, both kinds of people must learn to coexist and cooperate in relative harmony.
Unfortunately, it has long been the lot of men such as myself to provide this harmony. Women don't know what they want. They don't, and they never will. In some inconsequential circumstances she will make this glaringly obvious by verbally expressing her indecisiveness. Pizza or burgers? She doesn't know, and tells you. Bowling or ice skating? She doesn't care, and tells you. Shoes or sandals? Let the weather decide, she says. Batman or Superman? Whichever. Who really cares about that, though? And so you see that when it doesn't matter, she will freely admit that she doesn't know what she wants. In all other situations she will not admit it. The female will not only not admit it; she will go to extraordinary lengths in order to convince you otherwise. It's true, just give it a try and see for yourself. First think of a question that you've been wanting to ask but haven't had the balls to. That's the question. Now ask it. Did you receive a question as an answer? Did you receive a string of words which somehow reassures you of something that you're supposed to think? Did you receive some kind of reply that led you to forget about your question? Or perhaps some combination of the above? Of course you did, because you're fishing without the proper knowledge and equipment.
Now rewind and redo, but before you redo, try not to heed anything that she says. Go ahead and listen, but don't let yourself be fooled. Remember that women do not know what they want, and she, hopefully, is still one of them. There are no exceptions. Thus, everything she says will essentially be meaningless gibberish. Just like when fish talk. You must TELL her what she wants. One of the two of you had better know what they want, so make it you. Decide what that is and then tell her. This gives her a simple choice: to want what you want or to decline. Either way your chances are much better than trying to interpret a bunch of meaningless estrogen-induced words.
Always assume nothing. Never take anything for granted. Don't plan too far ahead. Throw all preconceived notions out the door. Nothing in dating is a constant. Everything is a variable. Sounds like fishing, doesn't it?
Fish know what they want: water and shiny things. You now know what women want: shiny things and you.

Emotional Detachment

My entire family has become acquainted with it. My younger brother is still learning it. My older brother has made physical distance his greatest addition to it. My father is the paragon of it. My mother is the antagonist to it who compels the rest of us to strive for it. My sister and I are close, very close to it, and to enjoying the serenity that constantly encompasses my father.
Emotional Detachment. Is there any goal greater than making oneself impervious to the remarks and actions of others?
My quest for emotional detachment began when I was a child. My mother is a compassionate, caring, and fiercely emotional woman. She loves others as she does herself to the most absolute definition of the word. However, I have watched rather insignificant things affect her deeply. The world in which we live and the attachments that we make are undoubtedly based purely on perception. My mother experiences emotion as I have never before seen others do. When she loves, she loves unconditionally. When she cries, she weeps honestly. When she loses her temper, she is infuriated. When she is disappointed, guilt is inescapable to the emotionally attached. I have seen my mother cry for characters in movies and weep for elderly neighbors who have finally passed on. When my mother's own mother suffered an expected death at a very old age, her sorrow permeated the home and left her on an emotional cliffhanger for over a year.
My father, on the other hand, rarely cries. Never have I seen him truly weep. His temper is seemingly nonexistent and his disappointment is fleeting. I witnessed my father receive a phone call about his own mother's death, after which he pensively sat on the couch and never shed a tear.
Growing up, I had the privilege of watching both extremes of this emotional spectrum: my mother and father. As a teenager, I underwent heartbreak and change just as everyone else does. It was during this time that I truly began to emulate my father and his attitude. I did my best to become an emotional stone wall. I lived my life as I wanted to; seeking joy every day, but ignoring situations and interactions that could tip my emotional scale back toward anger or sorrow.
Living in Europe while preaching religion challenged the perceived "perfection" of my emotional detachment. Nothing I did seemed to be successful and our sources of aid were all unexpectedly dry. I was on my own emotionally, and there were no external ways for me to recharge. I sank into a depression that I had only seen but never experienced. I finally glimpsed my mother's world and knew that the only immediate escape was improving my emotional detachment. And so I did. Quickly. I argued when argued with only for the sake of arguing. I responded to hostility with hostility. I responded to joy and success with my own skeptical form of joy. Again I had made myself untouchable and survived with mere emotional scars but no lasting wounds.
Relationships are necessary and unavoidable. Is it possible to form lasting relationships without becoming emotionally attached? No. Not if you want to be a true friend. Learn to flick the switch between emotional attachment and emotional detachment.

Good versus Evil

I'm not going to quote Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter for you, but I assure you that I most certainly can. Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why all of these sagas enjoy such lasting popularity? Not a single one of them has a particularly original storyline. All three employ simplistic, purely (though inexplicably...) evil tyrants in the forms of Emperor Palpatine, Lord Voldemort, and Sauron. One of them is very poorly written (Anakin, you're breaking my heart!), and all three rely heavily on various forms of magic. The protagonist in each is a confidence-lacking youngster who finds himself along the way. Wow, it sounds like a blockbuster in the making.
Do I mean to mock these stories? Honestly, yes, but I'm mocking myself in the process because I love all three stories as anyone who knows me will attest. They're timeless, essentially simple, and play on the greatest of man's emotions: altruism, greed, goodness, and fear. The world in each is remarkably black and white. In Star Wars, the Empire and the Sith are evil. The Rebellion and the Jedi are good. That's just how it is. Do you want to do some good today? Well then, pick up your lightsaber and kill some stormtroopers or a Darth Someone if you get the chance! In Lord of the Rings, men, elves, dwarves, and hobbits are good. Sauron and his minions are evil. Once again, doing some good is relatively simple. Pick up your sword, head up into the mountains to kill some orcs or goblins. Hack those evil creatures, dude, and tell us if you ever see a female orc! As for Harry Potter, Voldemort and the Death Eaters are evil (Death Eaters? Please, how could they possibly be good with a name like that?). They like to kill people for fun and usurp power through torture, murder, and whatever means possible. Yet again, the enemy is easily recognizable and unquestionably ill-intentioned.
Am I telling you that I want to combat Evil? You bet I am. Have I mentioned that I've decapitated over 20 orcs just today? I also slapped Draco Malfoy. At times I have seriously considered dropping all of my current career plans and aiming to become a U.S. Marshall. How badass would it be to hunt down murderers and rapists for a living? I could basically call myself an auror and measure how much better I make the world annually. Here's a glimpse of this world in which I fight Evil as a U.S. Marshall and my wife saves lives every day as a hot doctor. Stethoscope and all.
Hypothetical, yet existent future wife: "Welcome home, darling husband. Have some delicious pie. What did you do at work today?"
A burlier, hairier future me: "Oh, you know, the usual. Toppled one international sex slave organization, and beat the hell out of a child rapist with my fists for resisting arrest. He'll never touch a child again after the beating I gave him."
Future wife: "Wow, you are sexy and cool. I look really hot right now."
Future me: "Whoa, you are so right."
Future wife: "Take me now, please."
Future me: "Deal."
Anyway, that's what I would like. Positive thinking brings results, right? But, back to my basic message, stories are made great by containing what we scarcely have. Simplicity. Heroics. And most of all, magic. May the Force be with you. Good luck, future me. Save our society.