On the Origin of Fairies

The forest is a mysterious place. Why, you may ask? Because there are creatures there with which we are not well acquainted. Squirrels, flying squirrels, bats, flying bats, and fairies. Some of you have never seen a fairy, which is fine; I admit that I have never seen a flying squirrel. I will also admit that I've had my doubts about whether or not flying squirrels really exist, but legitimate heresay has convinced me. As for fairies, the evidence has been mounting for centuries. Really, need we deny the many stories and pictures created by our forebears? I would argue for naught, not, knot, and ought not. Obviously nought.
Anywho, many have argued against the existence of the fairy due to her changing form. As a self-certified biological etymologist, I would argue that this is simply another example of evolution. Through the process of natural selection, fairies have undergone an amazing amount of change (thus the nickname "changeling") over the past millenium. In Darwin's On the Origin of Species, there's an entire chapter devoted to fairies. Da Vinci helped him pen the whole thing ambidextrously in invisible ink.
Over the years, months, and moons, fairies have taken many forms. Their evolutionary trajectory has been an intriguing one; from the tall woodland folks as represented in The Lord of the Rings under the pseudonym elves, to the winged thumbelina-type fairies as represented by Julia Roberts in Hook. Of course, these are simply contemporary representations as presented by the media in order to give you an idea. Fairies, scientifically known as Homo faeriensis, did indeed start off not much different from ourselves, but their tendencies toward tree hugging and pacifism didn't coincide well with their Homo sapien neighbors. Pacifist tree huggers are only good at one thing in the face of healthy human violence: dying. Fairies (archaic form: fays) have had to adapt. Today only the smallest and most agile fairies have persisted in the form of miniature hotties with butterfly wings.
Some people confuse our stylish and less-than-masculine brethren as fairies, but in actuality they are not members of the species Homo faeriensis, but are members of a completely different genus: Metro sexualis. Confusion first arose here thanks to Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Ha, as if Shakespeare knew anything about fairies or etymology! I'm glad we've straightened all of that out (pun intended?).
You've seen the evidence for fairies yourself. What are those weird noises when you're out camping? That's a fairy yelling at you to stop letting your dog take a shit in her yard. Where are your keys? Or your pen? Or your niece? Fairies took them, dude (or dudette). Don't let pessimistic Communists convince you that you're stupid enough to misplace anything. This notion is false. We modern humans (aka Americans) are far too smart to make such petty mistakes. Communist propaganda must be ignored. Nuclear fallout my ass.

Good versus Evil

I'm not going to quote Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter for you, but I assure you that I most certainly can. Have you ever taken the time to ask yourself why all of these sagas enjoy such lasting popularity? Not a single one of them has a particularly original storyline. All three employ simplistic, purely (though inexplicably...) evil tyrants in the forms of Emperor Palpatine, Lord Voldemort, and Sauron. One of them is very poorly written (Anakin, you're breaking my heart!), and all three rely heavily on various forms of magic. The protagonist in each is a confidence-lacking youngster who finds himself along the way. Wow, it sounds like a blockbuster in the making.
Do I mean to mock these stories? Honestly, yes, but I'm mocking myself in the process because I love all three stories as anyone who knows me will attest. They're timeless, essentially simple, and play on the greatest of man's emotions: altruism, greed, goodness, and fear. The world in each is remarkably black and white. In Star Wars, the Empire and the Sith are evil. The Rebellion and the Jedi are good. That's just how it is. Do you want to do some good today? Well then, pick up your lightsaber and kill some stormtroopers or a Darth Someone if you get the chance! In Lord of the Rings, men, elves, dwarves, and hobbits are good. Sauron and his minions are evil. Once again, doing some good is relatively simple. Pick up your sword, head up into the mountains to kill some orcs or goblins. Hack those evil creatures, dude, and tell us if you ever see a female orc! As for Harry Potter, Voldemort and the Death Eaters are evil (Death Eaters? Please, how could they possibly be good with a name like that?). They like to kill people for fun and usurp power through torture, murder, and whatever means possible. Yet again, the enemy is easily recognizable and unquestionably ill-intentioned.
Am I telling you that I want to combat Evil? You bet I am. Have I mentioned that I've decapitated over 20 orcs just today? I also slapped Draco Malfoy. At times I have seriously considered dropping all of my current career plans and aiming to become a U.S. Marshall. How badass would it be to hunt down murderers and rapists for a living? I could basically call myself an auror and measure how much better I make the world annually. Here's a glimpse of this world in which I fight Evil as a U.S. Marshall and my wife saves lives every day as a hot doctor. Stethoscope and all.
Hypothetical, yet existent future wife: "Welcome home, darling husband. Have some delicious pie. What did you do at work today?"
A burlier, hairier future me: "Oh, you know, the usual. Toppled one international sex slave organization, and beat the hell out of a child rapist with my fists for resisting arrest. He'll never touch a child again after the beating I gave him."
Future wife: "Wow, you are sexy and cool. I look really hot right now."
Future me: "Whoa, you are so right."
Future wife: "Take me now, please."
Future me: "Deal."
Anyway, that's what I would like. Positive thinking brings results, right? But, back to my basic message, stories are made great by containing what we scarcely have. Simplicity. Heroics. And most of all, magic. May the Force be with you. Good luck, future me. Save our society.