Author's note: Many of the posts contained within this blog are personal memoirs. They are mine. They are real. I wrote them as I experienced them. If any story is at all fictional or needs to be attributed to someone else, I will state that firmly in the first paragraph.
Showing posts with label Fishing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fishing. Show all posts

Friday, April 15, 2011

Running Past 17th Street

The surf washes along the shore, just reaching my feet. The coolness enshrouds the sole of each foot, reminding me that it's getting too late to go running in.
"It's been a long day."
Glancing to my right, I ask what he means. 
"Oh, I dunno. Just after the drive and everything."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Still, it could have been worse."
"Uh huh." 
Standing in silence, he leans forward to grab a handful of small stones and begins tossing them into the waves. Picking up a few rocks for myself, I start chucking them out into the ocean too.
"You know, Port, you still throw like a girl."
Towering over me in stature, he moves his grizzled jaw only to laugh at me.
"Laugh all you want, I can still beat you up."
Finally he replies, "All right, see if you can throw a rock farther than this," and he hurls one out farther than I can hope to match.
Clutching a speckled stone in my hand, I nearly rip my arm out of place trying to get it past his mark.
Laughing again, he says, "What were you saying about being a girl?"
"You're blind, bro; mine must have gone at least twice as far as yours!"
"Haha, sure. Whatever makes you feel better."
While rubbing my sore shoulder, I look up and down the beach. To our left at least seven piers jut out into the ocean before the falling dusk blocks anything more from my view. 
"Is everyone already back at the hotel?"
Giving me an odd look while I remove my sandals and stretch, he curtly affirms my assumption and asks, "What are you doing?"
"I think I'm going to go for a run. Take off your shoes and come with."
Hesitating, he asks, "But won't our shoes get stolen?"
"Ha, maybe your shoes, but not my sandals. Come on."
The damp sand mercifully cushions each step that I take, giving me reason to run faster. Porter heaves beside me as we pass one pier after the next. We're forced to take a detour around a fisherman sitting on a cooler next to his fat hound. The sight of his fishing pole puts the nerves in my feet on alert for the next few minutes. Every grain of sand is suddenly palpable as my soles expect a painful hook with each succeeding step.
"Is this the eighth or ninth pier?" Porter manages to ask me through two wheezing breaths. Stopping next to a wooden pillar, I clutch my knees and shake my head. 
"No, gasp this is the gasp tenth pier."
"We've been running wheeze forever; let's wheeze head back."
Running back, I had no idea how far we had come. Now that the sun has gone down, I worry that I won't be able to recognize our section of this monotonous beach. With each step, my feet sink unmercifully into the damp sand; the arches of my feet searing with pain. Damn sand.
At last having passed, I think, nine piers, we stop. 
"Our shoes wheeze should be here wheeze, right?"
Scanning the dark beach from my stooped position, I can't focus on anything. 
"Yeah, gasp somewhere around here gasp. You keep looking."
Lying out on the sand, the waves glint menacingly at me in the moonlight. I just hope that I'm lying close enough for the surf to soak my feet.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dynamics of Dating 1010

Let me begin with an analogy. Consider fishing. Now consider how much it resembles dating. And not only in the traditional "there are more fish in the sea" way. Allow me to explain. Number one: I don't particularly enjoy either one. Both consume a considerable amount of time, planning, and luck in order to ensure any kind of success. Number two: Fish look better in water. So do women. Number three: Fish don't really like their lips getting caught on hooks. Neither do women. Number four: I don't particularly enjoy spending much time on the process of fishing or dating, but I thoroughly enjoy the results of both. Number five: Both are cold blooded. Number six: Mermaids are hot.
I'm writing this because all the single people out there obviously need some help in this area, and fortunately for them I am here to oblige. First of all, we must remember that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are men, and there are women. One knows what he wants. The other acts as if she does. For the world to run properly, both kinds of people must learn to coexist and cooperate in relative harmony.
Unfortunately, it has long been the lot of men such as myself to provide this harmony. Women don't know what they want. They don't, and they never will. In some inconsequential circumstances she will make this glaringly obvious by verbally expressing her indecisiveness. Pizza or burgers? She doesn't know, and tells you. Bowling or ice skating? She doesn't care, and tells you. Shoes or sandals? Let the weather decide, she says. Batman or Superman? Whichever. Who really cares about that, though? And so you see that when it doesn't matter, she will freely admit that she doesn't know what she wants. In all other situations she will not admit it. The female will not only not admit it; she will go to extraordinary lengths in order to convince you otherwise. It's true, just give it a try and see for yourself. First think of a question that you've been wanting to ask but haven't had the balls to. That's the question. Now ask it. Did you receive a question as an answer? Did you receive a string of words which somehow reassures you of something that you're supposed to think? Did you receive some kind of reply that led you to forget about your question? Or perhaps some combination of the above? Of course you did, because you're fishing without the proper knowledge and equipment.
Now rewind and redo, but before you redo, try not to heed anything that she says. Go ahead and listen, but don't let yourself be fooled. Remember that women do not know what they want, and she, hopefully, is still one of them. There are no exceptions. Thus, everything she says will essentially be meaningless gibberish. Just like when fish talk. You must TELL her what she wants. One of the two of you had better know what they want, so make it you. Decide what that is and then tell her. This gives her a simple choice: to want what you want or to decline. Either way your chances are much better than trying to interpret a bunch of meaningless estrogen-induced words.
Always assume nothing. Never take anything for granted. Don't plan too far ahead. Throw all preconceived notions out the door. Nothing in dating is a constant. Everything is a variable. Sounds like fishing, doesn't it?
Fish know what they want: water and shiny things. You now know what women want: shiny things and you.